2 am

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Because how can you feel anything but watched over when your car breaks down on a pitch black road in Montana, No stars, no moon, no real knowledge of where you are at. But somewhere around you, a cell phone tower, a police man patrolling, and a tow truck driver sleeping a safe 20 minutes away, probably swearing as he speaks in his dreams? His name (the tow truck driver) is Ryan, and his real life words are tucked in between adjectives aka descriptive obscenities, which seem to apply to every situation good or bad. He bought a car, months ago, drove it for 20 miles and then hit a deer. He never got it fixed, still looking for the right parts on craigslist.

It was 4 am by the time I was into town. A motel by the name of America's Best Value Inn was the cheapest and had free breakfast, which happened to be stale bagels, milk left out on the counter, pieces of captain crunch mixed in with fruit loops, and a waffle iron with personality (the light doesn't work). The bed is more comfortable than my own at home, so it makes the fact that I'll be staying here three days seem alright. That and the fact that they're less than a mile away from a mexican restaurant in an old bus, a McDonald's where they will let you walk through the drive-thru because it's past lobby hours and you don't have a car that runs, and a gas station where you can't see the top of the attendant's head when he stands up because it reaches past the cigarette cases. Just don't ask the lady in the lobby what there is to do, she'll tell you that there is absolutely nothing since they tore down the bowling alley.  "I guess that's why they all leave, there is no kid stuff."

And so, a kid at heart (I got nervous when the man who smelled like very hot tobacco looked at me so many times) tries to find out just what it's like to be in Dillon, MT on a Fri, Sat, and Sun night, feeling watched over because even though things didn't really work out, they kind of did.


Posted by : Coby Gerstner
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tues.

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a list of things I love because I'm way too tired to write about how meaningful it was to watch Wreck It Ralph tonight.  

- parking in the driveway, leaning the seat back, listening to the radio
- natatataliegrace for making the best out of the longest days
- 1:44 am in the car and that epilogue anthem
- finals > midterms


here is a quick thought, 


i walked to the grocery store when i couldn't drive.
i bought grape heads and twenty-five cent cans of soda.
sometimes it took hours to get all the way home
sidewalks running through neighborhoods like veins, or bones
i lived them. spit on them and watched the summer sun tan them.
we exhaled and inhaled instinctively 
got itchy backs from cut grass and spoke like we wrote books.
you were the bones, i was the body.
I want to live like that.


Posted by : Coby Gerstner
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Green Couches

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Here's a story that hurts to tell.  I'm, first, a kid.  There are green couches in my living room, chewable vitamin C in the cupboard, and bushes big enough to hide behind in the front yard.  Seven other people live here, including my parents.  My mom always says, "I'm so glad you came to live at our house," and gives me kisses goodnight.  There is a top bunk and a bottom bunk.  Below me sleeps my brother, who if I make mad enough will kick the bottom of my bed and keep me from sleeping.  I should also say that there is a cat walking around somewhere in this story.  She'd either be outside or at the foot of my bed.  If I make her curious enough with my dreaming, she may bat at my feet which is more than enough to wake me up.  

We have family home evenings on the green couches, my brother plays the piano and we take turns choosing our favorite songs to sing.  "Nephi's courage," I say.  Most of them groan.  I'm young enough to be able to sing one song again and again.  

"I will go! I will do," we sing.  And at the end of the night, we might get a treat.  

Every Sunday, we go to church for all three hours.  If my mom gives me a half piece of gum, it comes with the warning that if I play with it, she'll make me spit it out.  Sometimes I'll try, and she'll pass me a piece of paper to spit it in.  In primary i'll love to sing.  I'll listen to my teacher tell me about Jesus.  Or about prophets who ate grasshoppers and honey.  He used to give us airheads.  I'll choose blue raspberry or watermelon.  Those are my favorite flavors.

After church we eat dinner together.  I love the roast beef my mom cooks in the oven.  Everyone eats that part first, so seconds are hard to come by.  We practice good manners and drink milk, a few of us drink water.  After dinner the dishes are done and it's off to whatever the day holds.  It is a day of rest and visiting grandparents.  I'll usually fall asleep on the way back from salt lake and wake up feeling like it couldn't have been for more than five minutes.

Cannon is the first to leave.   He goes to Germany.  We eat bagels and drink juice at the airport the morning he leaves.  The day he comes back we watch CNN on the tv's at the airport.  At home that night he pulls a World Cup ball out of his bag.  I'll keep it for years.  

Coleman goes next.  Off to The land down under.  He'll call on Christmas Day, my mom will get emotional.  He'll bring my dad home a hat.  The night he comes home, he'll sit on the stairs with his head in his hands and cry.  He will want to go back.  

I will cry a lot harder than I thought I would when Clint left.  This is the same way I will cry when he leaves to live in Texas.  I will never be good at saying goodbye to Clint.  His call is to Paraguay.  This is the same time I'm in middle school Spanish class trying guacamole for the first time.  Dan Hunt's mom made it and sent it to school in a big tupperware bowl.  Clint will write me letters.  His handwriting is different than anyone else's.  The day he comes home he will play Paraguayan music, talk about how much has changed, and drink Yerba  mate with me at the counter.  

We ate a very big sandwich when Clay left.  He went straight to the Brazilian MTC.  When he's gone, I'll wear his clothes.  We'll talk on Christmas Day for a few minutes.  There will be a binder with all of his emails.  You can send these now instead of letters.  Ashley will stop by and bring me candy.  She'll spend time with my mom.   The day Clay gets home, she'll come to the airport and the Greek Shish kabob with us.  We'll paint the bathroom blue for E. Clayton.  He'll give me his old indoor soccer shoes.  

Then I'll receive my call.  This will be my story:

One day on a dusty road in Mexico I walked down the street and called my mom on a pay phone with a borrowed phone card.  The phone was across the street from a gym that had people painted on the front of it.  I knew my mission call had come in the mail and wanted to get my mom to open it over the phone. This was breaking tradition, so she didn't want to.  We decided that it wouldn't tell anyone until I got home and then she opened it.  

"You are hereby called to serve in the Baltic mission."   

"Where is that?" I asked.  

"Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia—Russian speaking!"  

I would be more excited than I had ever been.  In Mexico I'd have tearful conversations with locals in the Spanish I learned in that 8th grade class, burn in the hot sun stuccoing and building houses, and eat some of the best food I've had in my entire life.  I'd eat tacos each night I was there.  I'd have seconds every time.  

I came home.  We told everyone.  Along the way, I'd lose that mission call.  We'd still have family home evenings, but not on green couches.  We'd talk and prepare.  It wasn't a Sunday dinner, but around our table I'd tearfully tell my mom and dad that I couldn't go anymore.  I was scared.  But they were comforting.  

I remember a summer day in Portland, my aunt pulled me aside in her kitchen and told me that no matter what, she would always love me.  I was scared.  But she was comforting.  

I was so worried what everyone would think.  What Sister Martin down the street would think.  She gave me a blue tie with the symbol for eternal life on it.  I was always her favorite.  Her son received the perfect attendance record in high school.  I never told her.  She found out another way.  I've still neer talked to her about it.  

It was hard.  That feeling that one of the reasons I'm here on earth is to serve a mission never left me.  Every talk in church about mission work filled me with the thought that maybe I could still go.  Sister Christiansen spoke and I sat there with my head in my hands.  My heart was pricked. 

I'd think back to that song, Nephi's courage.  "I know The Lord provides a way, He wants me to obey."  But I never found that way.  I was mad sometimes because I heard from people that their friends had.  I thought, "why can't I go?" I wanted to.  But I wasn't good enough to go.  

And my heart ached.  

I thought it would forever.  That no matter what anyone said or how many opportunities to serve/callings I had, that it would always ache.  There is pain in sin.  But the real pain comes from losing what you want most.  So I prayed.  And I prayed.  And I tried different things to still be able to go.  But I always came up short.  

I had one last great chance.  So much hope.  But then my bishop said it was just too late.  I ate pizza that night with my brother and sister.  It was far removed from that pay phone, but it was the end of what began there.  6 years later.  By this time I had read the Book of Mormon many times, been to the Dominican Republic for a humanitarian trip, and borne my testimony to so many different people.  All experiences that filled me with full of the spirit.  Over pizza, at a solid oak table, we talked about the next step, and sadly closed that chapter of my life.  

And my heart ached.  But it is always getting better.  This story is so hard to tell, but it has the best ending.  One that is always unfolding.  The atonement is real.  And though I couldn't share it with the world wearing my black name tag, I know that it is true and will share it in my actions (word and deed) for the rest of my life.  So that everyone can know, because they'll have the chance to feel it.  And sure, I missed out on some wonderful blessings because of it, but I don't have to anymore, and won't have to in the future, because that is how the atonement works.  It restores all that is good.  Jesus lives.  He is the Christ.  He heals lives.  We can live forever with Him and with our families.   This is the good news.  I'll share it whether I'm a missionary or not.  It is all true.  

And it is hurting less to tell.




Posted by : Coby Gerstner
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Currently Reading

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The Shell Collector - Anthony Doerr

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Posted by : Coby Gerstner
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Literature

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The Greatest Gatsby



Hated it in high school, love it now. Funny how things change.


Posted by : Coby Gerstner
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